I've been wanting to write this blog post for a couple of days. This post will be long, but I hope it's worth the read!
This week my mind has been busy with worry about a few circumstances before me, so I reluctantly pulled out my bible in an attempt to hear the Lord speak. I only say reluctantly because when I'm truly mulling over something in my mind, it seems impossible to quiet my soul long enough to hear the whispers of the Holy Spirit. Through His help, I fasted through dinner, and sat before Him. He spoke.
Isaiah 54:1-5
"Sing, O barren woman,
you who never bore a child;
burst into song, shout for joy,
you who were never in labor;
because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband," says the Lord.
"Enlarge the place of your tent,
stretch your tent curtains wide,
do not hold back;
lengthen your cords,
strengthen your stakes.
For you will spread out to the right and to the left;
your descendants will dispossess nations and settle in their desolate cities.
"Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame,
Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated.
You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood [singlehood].
For your Maker is your husband-the Lord Almighty is his name-the Holy One of Israel is you Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth.
God used this scripture to dislodge a lie satan planted in my heart long ago. As a child, the devil began to build insecurity in me concerning my weight. Specifically, that a man could never, and would never love me because I was not attractive. As I made my way through adolescence and into adulthood, I believed this lie and it tainted my view of men. I hated men for rejecting me, and yet I so wanted to be accepted that they became an idol in my life. This idolatry has created times of sorrow for me, as I've searched for love in all the wrong places (I'm pretty sure that's a lyric in some sappy country song!). Maybe you can relate. Maybe you have an area in your life that satan has exploited. It's possible he has told you the same lies, that the desires of your heart are impossible because of what you lack. Well, when I cried out to God, confessing my idolatry, and telling Him I had no way out except for Him to save me, He answered.
He reminded me of an experience I had with my new friend Mary last weekend. As I mentioned the last time I wrote, she moved. Here in Uganda there is an extreme emphasis on family. Who you are is who you know. Mary is a single woman. Not only that, her only family lives far from town. In Ugandan culture Mary's circumstance makes her vulnerable, susceptible to a lot of judgement, and therefore, if she allows it, shame. I met up with her to help her move the last of her things Saturday evening. I grabbed a mirror and her pillow and we walked through her neighborhood, everyone staring, which is typical when I go anywhere. I thought nothing of it as we moved, laughing, talking, and finally arriving at her home. After enjoying her company, Mary agreed to walk me home.
As we walked she poured out her heart, and the Lord has used it in a very profound way in my life. She told me that as she moved all day, walking the streets alone, she new people were staring and judging. She knew in her heart they were wondering why she had no family to help her. Where were her brothers, her mother, her father, her uncle or aunt? Why was she forced to walk all of her things to her new home, quite a trek for anyone, and especially with arms full of her belongings. She explained how she continued to move, head held high, but inside burdened by the experience.
And then I came into the picture. In Uganda, muzungo (white people), are kind of like celebrities. We are thought to have lots money, even if we don't, and therefore everyone wants to be friends with a muzungo. Mary explained that when I came beside her, carried her things, and accompanied her through the streets, people suddenly saw her differently. This woman who was judged for being alone the whole day, was now a woman of prestige because I travelled with her. My presence has clarified her worth. I had redeemed her without even knowing it.
In the same way I redeemed Mary that evening, Jesus has redeemed me of my shame. As I prayed that night, the Spirit revealed Isaiah 54, and He told me I am worth abundantly more than anyone can fathom because of who I travel with, the Lord of Lords. He has declared me His bride, and He has taken vows, promising to stand beside me no matter what the circumstance, no matter what I lack. My worth has nothing to do with who I am, but everything to do with whose I am. He has truly redeemed the shame of my youth. I am worthy of a husband and I'm confident if it's God's perfect will, I will be married some day. Married or not, He has promised I will be a mother of many, which is the desire most dear to my heart.
Thanks for listening. I love yall!
Jenna
