So here's the deal, here's the real scoop.
I am nothing, He is everything. He pursues and I respond (1John 4:10).
I am going to Africa for a couple of months this year because of these two statements.
Because He is the Giver of every good and perfect gift (James 1:17).
Last year He allowed me to go to Africa, one of the sweetest gifts of my life. And I came home. And I was lost. And He pursued me even when I was pouting and pissed and miserable, He still wanted me.
There is nothing sweeter than the love of our Lord. There is nothing more faithful(Psalm 136).
It took me a whole year of crying and frustration and giving up on God to realize that He's not kidding when He promises He will never leave us nor forsake us (Luke 15:11-32). And so I can look back and see that this past year of wondering in the wilderness has too been a perfect gift of God, not an easy gift to accept, but perfect and good nonetheless. This past year has produced fruit, fruit more important dare I say, than even a trip to Africa, and I would like you to know about it because it's hopeful, and it's changing my life.
I've spent my whole life trying to initiate, maintain, and sustain a relationship with God. I believed for sometime that my abilities were directly proportional to the amount of love and grace I received from the Lord. Did I say this out loud? No. Did I live it out loud? Everyday. I was plagued with doubt and fear on a daily basis. Did I believe in Jesus enough to be saved? What was wrong with me that my life wasn't working out like I hoped? Where should I go next? What should I do next? Will God stop providing for me if I stop obsessively working? My relationship with God was stunted by a constant compulsion to work for His love. Being a slave to earning someones love made me really angry. I constantly felt anxiety that I wasn't doing enough and that God was withholding blessings because He was waiting on me to "get it right".
I expressed my disdain for God on a frequent basis to my roommates, Lore and Season. Lore, having walked through her own wilderness with God, suggested that I let go of all my compulsions, even the Godly ones like reading my bible, and tithing, and praying, so that God could show me His faithfulness to love independent of my faithfulness to do. I am not saying that praying, and tithing, and reading the bible are bad things. They are God given ways to increase faith and trust. But when you turn reading, and tithing, and praying into working for God's love, it is absolutely toxic to a relationship with God and it steals the joy of knowing Jesus. So, I let go. I stopped going to church. I stopped tithing. I stopped reading the bible. I stopped trying to hear God. I stopped doing. God didn't leave me, He didn't forsake me. Instead He pursued me in subtle and peaceful moments, and all my letting go resulted in seeing Jesus as a Savior who paid IT ALL on the cross.
He is the center and the focus in all creation. He is the answer to every one of my questions. He is the reason I can sleep at night. He is the reason I do not have to fear failure. He is the reason I do not have to fear anything. When He died for our sins He paid for us in full. There is nothing I have to do in addition to His sacrifice. This truth, the gospel, frees me to breath and to rest. Selah! The pressure is off me. I gladly live out a passive faith, where I am freed by the blood of Christ to respond to His pursuit of my heart and worship a Savior who has died so that I can live a spiritual life of luxury, without working one bit. I am confident in my position in the Kingdom because it has nothing to do with my abilities. I am spoiled rotten and loving every minute of it. And I believe with all my heart that God loves it, that God intended it, and that God sent His only Son to die for me so that I could know it. In response to His great love I am praying, tithing, bible reading, listening, and loving. Is it perfect? Nope. Do I have moments when I forget what Jesus did and start to work again? Yep. But He always reminds me that it's not required anymore.
And so, now you know "behind the scenes". I am going to Africa! Yesssss!!! More importantly, I am going to Africa with a deeper understanding of just why it's so important for all the precious children of Uganda to know Jesus. Because He wants this freedom I've experienced for everyone. Even you!
Thanks for all your prayers and support.
Love you guys. I'll be in touch soon!
